"One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living.  We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today."  ~Dale Carnegie

(originally posted: Sun 25 Jun 2006) 

Today I chanced to glance up and saw a picture of myself that was taken when I was two, and I remembered hope and innocence...and I remember that all is not lost.

"You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

I am remembering each and every day that we must have faith.  We must have hope.  We must cherish those whom we love, and those who love us, for it is important to protect the hearts of the innocent, and mend the hearts of the wounded.  It is important that we remember to live every day, and never forget that this day could very well be your last.  Live life to the fullest.  Don't overly concern yourself with petty quandaries, because they are just that...petty.  Do what needs to be done with vigor and without complaint, so that you may also live with vigor and without complaint.  Take in stride the troubles that befall you, for you must keep yourself lifted.  It is your job to keep your own spirits high, and lift those less fortunate in spirit than you.  Show them that they, too, can walk with spring in their step and joy in their hearts.  Life is a choice.  Death is only an end if you make it one.  Choose to LIVE.  Learn to BE.  Understand that, above all things, it is most important to LOVE.  It is the meaning of life.  Learn it.  Teach it to yourself.  You can.  You can do anything you set your mind to, so long as you BELIEVE.

I may be a dreamer, but I'm also a believer.  I believe in miracles, and miracles happen to me.  They will happen to you, too, if you put your heart into it.

Salaam.

"Fear is just another word for ignorance."  ~Hunter S. Thompson

Is it true?  I believe Hunter is on to something, but I'm not sure if it applies in this case.  Actually, I take that back...it applies all too well.  My fear stems from the ignorance of what my parents thought right and wrong was, because it wasn't always black and white...

(I won't always blog asking for advice, but for now, this is what was on my mind... )

I have come to realize over time that I have this fear of getting caught...for everything.  You see, I'm the oldest child and my parents had me when they were still very young, and I think that they expected me to be...perfect?  They are both very self-righteous people who have trouble honestly listening to another's perspective and understanding it.  They think that they *always* know best, even with their own families (parents, siblings, etc.).  I am glad to have been raised by confident people, but at the same time it has actually caused me great self-esteem issues, and this seemingly unshakable fear of getting caught.  For doing what?  Anything.  I think that I got so accustomed to getting into "trouble" as a child and teenager that I'm now always looking over my shoulder, sneaking around at work, and trying to hide any and all of the activities that I do by myself.  It's not that I'm doing anything wrong.  I might just be reading or writing or listening to music, but the sound of footsteps behind me always makes me jump and try to hide whatever it is that I'm doing.  Conditioned reflex?  Maybe Carl Jung could have had fun with me...  I understand that this is a problem, and I recognize it, but I don't really know how to begin changing it.  I'm a good person.  I'm *not* always up to something, but I've been so conditioned to think that I am that I constantly feel guilty and afraid.

I also wouldn't mind if anyone has some word of advice on how to help my parents change.  I know that I cannot change them myself, I understand that the only way that they *might* change is if I, myself, change and manage to show them a better way, but I think that they refuse to see me as anything but their irresponsible "twelve-year-old".  I'm not twelve any more, but they treat me the same.  I know that I've made mistakes, but I feel like they don't grant me any amnesty.  I feel as though they barely recognize the progress that I've made, and they still hold everything I've done in the past against me.  Yes, I screwed up.  Yes, I've made mistakes.  Yes, I've done stupid things.  However, I've learned from them.  I'm changing and growing and adapting, and I've become my own woman.  How can I get *them* to notice?  How can I get them to listen to me?  I think that's the biggest problem.  They never listen.  When they do, they don't try to understand my point of view.  They simply point out where my theory doesn't make sense, or where my logic is "wrong", or why I'm thinking the "wrong way" (because it isn't their way).  I really can't stand all the negative.  It doesn't help that I'm still living with them, but I really am trying to get on my feet and move out as soon as possible, but meanwhile they make it difficult by having a negative reaction to everything I say.  It's so frustrating I want to pull my hair out!  I am trying to be positive, but with all the baggage it is very hard.

If anyone can coach me, teach me, offer me words of wisdom and advice, it would be greatly appreciated.  I don't know what to do any more, and something needs to change.  I, myself, am peace-loving and calm.  Almost nothing by way of friends or loved ones gets to me...except for them.  I've done so well at getting the rest of my life on track.  Now how do I make the people who never listen listen?

Thank you all for ANY input you might have.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for this site, and for being here.  Thank you for helping me get on the road to becoming a better person, so that I might be able to help you out as well.

Salaam.

~Jax